Worst lyrics of 2008

It's time for my annual worst lyrics blog. Brace yourselves, it's been a shit-tastic year.

10)Katy Perry: "I Kissed a Girl"

This really isn't about lyrics so much as that this song was already done in 1995. (Jill Sobule, I Kissed a Girl) It's not so hot and daring to kiss a girl and admit it in a song when someone did it 13 years ago. It says something about what's common in our culture these days, but I don't know if it's good or bad. It's just a "trendy to be bi" song, which is lame. There's also a ton of men who probably love the song but would guard their assholes if a guy sung about kissing a guy. Anyway I think it would be a great song for a gay man to karaoke.

9) An analysis of Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" and The Jonas Brothers' "Burning Up"
[Katy Perry gets my Fergalicious award for 2008. She appears to lack talent in the singing and writing departments, yet somehow still achieves fame and fortune. Congrats!]

Hot N Cold:
"You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now you're plain boring"

Burning Up:
"I'm hot
You're cold
You go around
Like you know
Who I am
But you don't
You've got me on my toes"

I don't think either of these songs deserves an entire entry to itself, they're kind of like Intervention subjects who weren't molested as children and get lumped into the same episode. They both center on the exact same subject and use the same metaphor. There's a person who's hot or cold and confuses the singer. The Jonas Brothers' subject however, has them on their toes, while Katy Perry's subject is "plain boring". I would describe the appeal of these artists similarly. I find the Jonas Brothers intriguing, while Katy Perry makes me want to take a nap. Up and down, in and out, you do the hokey pokey and you write something that's been written before. That's what it's all about.

8)Usher feat. Young Jeezy: "Love in this Club"
From the Jeezy part:
"It's going down on aisle 3, I'll bag you like some groceries.
And every time you think about it, you're gonna want some more of me.
About to hit the club make a movie yeah rated R."

This reminds me of another great grocery rap lyric: Nelly's E.I.:
"If you compare me to your local grocery
Then you'll see I got more carrots/karats than "Aisle D"
More bread than "Aisle G", then bag and scan me."

Actually that lyric is way better than this one. Jeezy really needs to step up his game and write something fresher than was already said in 2000.

Nothing is hotter than a song that makes you think about your grocery shopping. God this song is so good I just can't stop dancing... oh shit, I really have a lot of errands to run tomorrow. What a fun-killer Young Jeezy is. And rated R? Is the movie you shoot at the club going to involve some frontal nudity and simulated sex? BORING. This is 2008, if people aren't fucking, no one wants to watch.

7)Pink: "So What"
"So, so what
I'm still a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't need you,
And guess what,
I'm having more fun,
And now that we're done,
I'm gonna show you tonight"

I don't need you, I'm so over you, so I'm going to write a song about you and make it my single so that I can prove to you how little I need you or think about you. OH wait, this song proves that I think about you constantly and need to use you to sell records. I'm having more fun... that's so pathetic. You don't tell a guy how over him you are, you just go fuck someone else and let the word get back to him. She obviously missed the memo that happiness is the best revenge.

6)Madonna: "4 minutes"
"[Madonna:]
Come on boy I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll

[Justin:]
Now don't waste time, give me desire, tell me how you wanna roll

[Madonna:]
I want somebody to speed it up for me then take it down slow
There's enough room for both"

Um, no, there's not enough room for both (unless you mean room in your vagina). There's only 4 minutes, didn't you hear the lyrics? Oh, you are so old you are probably losing your hearing. Having someone under 3o sing with you is not going to make people think you're younger. You just look wrinkly and emaciated in comparison. How does one "pick up a stroll"? Newsflash: you are both white. This song also makes me want to vomit because they think that dancing and singing are somehow going to save the world. Get over yourselves! Tick tock, tick tock, you only have 4 minutes to save your fading career and they're over. You blew it.

5)The Killers: "Human"
"Are we human
or are we dancer?"

This song makes the list purely for it's bad grammar. I realize you are all British, but that should make you more capable of using the English language, not less so. We=plural Dancer=singular. Please fix.

3)Flo-Rida "Low"
"So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster"

For one, clover isn't lucky unless it is has 4 leaves. Otherwise, it is just a weed, something you were probably smoking too much of when you wrote this song. The main suck factor here is that he's folding his porn poster. Why? Sometimes I just wish artists (I use that term loosely) would read their lyrics and ask, "Does this make sense?". Why is he folding the poster...is this like a centerfold? How about "Sorry but I had to dick her, she was hot like a centerfold picture." Can I have my 50 million now?

2)The Wombats: "Kill the Director"
"This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget Jones"

Fuck the director, kill the person who wrote this song. You can tell this song sucks by looking at it, but trust me, it's even more painful to listen to. I could seriously fart a better lyric. If you're repeating something 13 times, you need to rethink how important that lyric is. Apparently this song was released in 2007, and I try to stick to songs released this year, but this song screams CRAP. If I had heard it last year, it definitely would have made the list, so I include it for your un-enjoyment.

2)Brandy: "Right Here (departed)"
This has to be one of the most repetitive and unoriginal songs I've heard in a long time. Not quite as repetitive as "Bridget Bridget", but still bad. I read some reviews of this album and song on Amazon. People are eating this stupid song up! "It's so inspirational". Did you listen to the lyrics?

"Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,
And when your tears are dry from crying,
And when the worlds turned silent,
So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,
Oh oh [Repeat x10]

I will be right here with you
you'll be right here with me
[Repeat]"

It doesn't even make sense! When the clouds have departed you need someone there with you? Isn't that the opposite of what you would think? When your tears are dry, she'll be there? What about when you were actually crying, where was that cunt then? Probably dancing and singing this crappy song on BET's NYE party or something. I guess maybe it's about dying and seeing each other in heaven, but I don't care enough to try to hypothesize how a lyric might make sense and not be shitty. It is what it is, a suck song disguised as a Top 40 hit. Brandy, I know you are jealous that your brother is now making more money than you. Too bad no one will remember him in 5 years. You used to have actual talent! Remember "Almost Doesn't Count"? Rehire whoever used to write your songs.

1)Danity Kane: "Damaged"
"Do Do you got a first aid kit handy?"

Do do you have any shame in singing such a laughable lyric? The answer is no. I get the concept, your heart is broken, and you need the man who hurt you to use the first aid kit to fix your heart. It's just that your group tries to be so thuggish and sexy while singing the stupidest shit. If you're trying to be serious, be serious. Your group lacks writing talent. No first aid kit is going to fix that, but maybe better management could. On top of all that, if there was something wrong with your heart, what in that first aid kit would fix it? The ace bandage or the alcohol swab? This song wins number one because I am embarrassed for the girls in this group when I hear the song. I don't just LOL, I actually laugh out loud. Thanks to Mike for reminding me of this terrible song which I nearly forgot to include.

Baby-killer

Crying with hotdog will arrive in the mail soon! I can't wait. My collection will still not be complete, but it will feel complete because Salamino is the only cactus pup worth having. Asleep and drooling is also really cute, but nothing can approximate the cuteness of crying with hotdog.

I missed all of my classes yesterday because I drank two glasses of wine the night before. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I can't find out until my 3 month previously existing condition window is up. Then I'm going to get all the drugs I want, it's going to be awesome. Anyway I can't drink anymore during the week. I can't let other people in my classes get a leg up on me just cause I'm sick. I did look really thin last night though, after eating almost nothing for 36 hours. After I eat a million fried things this weekend I'm sure I'll gain back that 2 pounds.

So in my Civil procedure book there's a discussion of the Anna Nicole Smith case, Marshall v. Marshall, which actually went all the way to the supreme court on an issue of jurisdiction between federal and state courts. Sometimes when I get an in-depth reading of the Anna Nicole case, or I read the wikipedia on Natalee Holloway and really understand the reasons the cases were dismissed, I think, "I am really learning something important in law school." If I get nothing else out of it, at least I can fully comprehend celebrity court cases.

There was another great case I read the other day. A man let this woman and her child come stay with him at his house. They were from his church and the woman was having a lot of mental problems. So one day she starts flipping the fuck out saying that she is God and her baby is the devil. She then starts beating the shit out of her baby and ripping it to pieces. The guy watches the beating and does nothing, they don't bring the baby to the hospital, and the next day it dies. The woman isn't found guilty because she's insane, and the guy is found innocent of not reporting it because he wasn't in charge of the baby, he had to duty to care for it. Isn't that incredible? I love learning about all the ways you can kill a baby and get away with it.

October

I can't believe it's already October. I'm going to turn 27 in 7 weeks. I'm starting to actually feel old. Lately I've only been getting carded half the time instead of everywhere. Ick.

I thought I was getting over the fact that I hate everyone in law school, but I seem to have relapsed into a state of loathing as of yesterday afternoon. Some kid in my class used the phrase "begs the question" incorrectly in our online discussion and it's one of my personal pet peeves. Don't just use phrases and words because they sound good when you have no fucking idea what they mean. And don't incorrectly use phrases referring to structures of logical arguments around people who've studied logic because they will hate you.

This other stupid girl in my class scoffed at my statement that one of our professors is dramatic because she thinks he speaks in a monotone. First off, when he speaks in monotone, it is for dramatic effect. He uses it as a tool to enhance the snide side comment he is making. I didn't have an argument set up in my head as for why he's dramatic at the time, I was just making chit chat. Apparently I greatly offended her by referring to him as dramatic based on her response. Then today I realized that she would never find anyone else dramatic compared to herself. This is a girl who constantly talks too loud and argues with people about pointless matters in front of everyone, drawing unnecessary attention to herself. Probably no one loves her and pays attention to her outside of school so she's an attention whore.



I would put her at red level although she probably is really only an orange. If homeland security can inflate their warning level for the sake of scaring the public into submission, I can inflate her attention whore status for my own amusement.

Lane Kiffin

I'm sure none of you except Sol know who this guy is. His name is Lane Kiffin and he's the current head coach of the Raiders. At first I thought he looked creepy and Scott Peterson-esque, but I think he actually looks like more of a killer than Peterson. All fat faced white guys are starting to look the same to me anyway. P.S. check out this incredible update on Amburr.

The story of the day is that this guy sucks. He sucks so bad his team wants to fire him but instead of doing it directly, they're going to talk about how they're going to do it for a couple days before they really can him. Meanwhile his inability to coach well can be talked about endlessly, putting his future coaching prospects back into the collegiate realm.

Maybe he is a shitty coach, I wouldn't know cause I'm not an expert at football (see my soon to be 1-2 fantasy football record). It's just kind of sad that he has to listen to everyone criticize him while he waits to get fired. Getting fired is bad enough. I just don't understand firing a coach for having one shitty season either. Some teams are bound to have shitty records, because other teams are really good and routinely beat on them. Everyone has their day in the sun, except the Browns because God hates Cleveland sports.

A blustery day

Yesterday was supposed to be a Dolly Parton/Dom DeLuise/Burt Reynolds movie marathon. It turned into a big shitstorm. Actually it was a windstorm but there was a lot of shit blowing around in the wind. We put in Cannonball Run sometime around 3:15. 45 minutes later the power was out. The DVD was also stuck in the DVD player. So we moved the party to Ryan's house and put in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. 45 minutes later the power was out there too. We decided to drive to our house, and we got to see so many incredible downed trees and things, so we almost didn't care that the power was already out at our house. On the way out of Ryan's place Elliot also realized he had a flat tire from the previous driving through tree debris. That sucked.

Then we decided to drive around town and listen to T.I. and Rihanna on repeat while looking for incredible mishaps and destruction. Ryan volunteered to drive so I was in since he was willing to sacrifice his car's well being for the sake of a good photo-op. Once it got dark we played a board game by candlelight and then went home. Mike and I decided that since Cory still somehow had power we should bring our food to his house and borrow his refrigerator space. Apparently our power may be out for 7 days. One of my professors asked us how many of us didn't have power and it was more than half the class. Then he asked how many of us lived on the 17th floor and couldn't use the elevators and then raised his own hand. That sucks.

I spent a lot of time trying to capture this image of a graph I made and nothing's working so you can just do it yourself. Go to gasbuddy .com and select the options for USA gas prices and include crude oil prices. You'll see something decidedly funny happening over the past few days. The crude oil price drops drastically while gas prices rise. I call shenanigans. The last time crude oil prices were this low, gas prices were 3.00 a gallon. WTF is that about? On top of these gas prices (don't even get me started) the traffic lights are out all over the city and they can't spare one cop to direct traffic at Fishinger and Riverside. It took me 45 minutes to get to campus today. I could have paddled a boat across the Scioto faster than I drove across the bridge.

Being without power is not that big of a deal. Until you leave your house. I think I screamed fuck at least 3 times today in the car. I also yelled at one guy so loud that he heard me through my closed window. I called him an asshole and he looked in his rearview at me. I'm just being Miley.

Blood money

Have I mentioned how I hate blood drives? Well I do. The Red Cross collects the blood. They claim that the price they charge hospitals for the blood only covers their costs, as if we should believe them or something. The hospital then charges about 200 dollars per unit of blood (depending on where you live) and says that half of that is their cost (to the Red Cross) and half is for labor. I don't know if it actually costs them 100 dollars (storage, delivery, the nurse who hooks it up) but I guess it's possible. The point is that the Red Cross gets 100 dollars for every unit of blood they sell to a hospital. From what I can gather, there are about 14 million units of blood used by hospitals per year, and half of those come from the Red Cross.

7.5 million units x 100 dollars is 750 million dollars. Does it cost 750 million dollars a year to collect, store, and transport blood (the people who collect it are volunteers btw). Their costs are needles, tubes, some medical equipment like blood pressure monitors, refrigerated trucks and refrigerators, oh and cookies. Those are expensive. They also have to test the blood for various communicable diseases which they claim costs 25 dollars per donation or something like that.

In addition to the amount of money they make off just the blood, they also sell the plasma, platelets, etc. Who knows how much they actually make off of your donation. Anyway, this is all the WHO's fault because they recommend that countries go to a 100% donated standard. This will somehow magically eliminate bad blood from the pool because only sleazeballs with AIDS want to be paid for their blood. Pure Christian blood comes from those with generous hearts who do it for Jesus.

Actually that's a good slogan for a blood drive. Jesus shed his blood for you, surely you can donate yours! Ugh. I hate the concept of giving away something like my blood. It's mine goddamn it! If there's anything I can say I really created, it's my blood. I'm not giving to anyone I don't know and certainly not for free. If the Red Cross didn't have so many do-gooders rolling up their shirtsleeves, they would pay for it.

Rules pt.2

I wanted to quickly add some rules of life.

8. Don't be that guy. That guy is the one who wears his Puddle of Sum Rejects Hero Romance T-shirt to the PSRHR concert. He also jumps up and down and cheers for the souvenirs expelled from the air gun, and vomits in public places after heavy drinking. Don't be that guy.

9. Don't trust people who spell chamois "shammy" or sell any product advertised to be a "shammy". I realize that Americans are too lazy to be expected to try to figure out how to pronounce chamois. That's why you call it "Super Cloth" or "Wow Towel". Those are bad examples, but you get my drift. If it makes me feel like an ignorant American to buy something, I don't care how great it is, I can't do it.

10. Horoscopes aren't real and indicate stupidity. If someone asks you what your sign is, unless they are jokingly picking you up, you should deduct respect points in your mind. If you don't need anything from them, feel free to criticize their stupidity publicly. Other things that are fake and can be ridiculed: Ghosts, Magnets that cure diseases, Chiropractors, Psychics, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster etc., Heaven, the soul, God, Jesus in a dog's asshole, and most other religious based beliefs.

Ebay, how I hate thee

This can be categorized as a rant. I'm killing time waiting for some training class so I might as well use my time constructively to complain about something.

So after I decided to leave TMobile due to their suckness, I went through a slight fiasco with Verizon, then got my sister to get me a plan in her name to get a discount with them.

I listed my Sidekick on ebay. It's basically new since it's the one they sent me to replace my damaged one. Two people bid on it, both with (1) ratings, which gave me no confidence that I had actually sold my item. The high bid was actually 305 dollars also, which I'd say is 50 to 100 dollars more than I expect it to sell for, although the original bidder put 300 as their maximum bid.

Sure enough, the auction ends and the winning bidder, someone calling himself "anointed88" i.e. my love of Jesus has replaced the rational thinking sections of my brain, wrote me an email to tell me that he didn't want the phone. I sent him an email telling him that was too bad, I guess he would have to re-list it once he got it. After some back and forth during which I told him he shouldn't be using his mother's computer if he can't read and he accused me of trying to extort money from him, I gave up and filed an unpaid item report.

Apparently after you leave one of these reports, you can't leave negative feedback and no one else can actually see that this loser has unpaid item reports filed against him. Ebay claims that if you get too many of these you will be kicked off ebay but I doubt it. They're in the money making business, not the excluding people who pay their bills business.

I really want to fuck up this kid's life, but he's not really all over the internets. He has a christian singles profile, in which he misspells "exersize", and a myspace (www.myspace.com/anointed88) replete with bible quotes. He's also bought quite a few useless pieces of shit lately, like this yin/yang razorblade necklace here and yes it is as awesome as it sounds.

Jason, anointed88, wins my dbag of the month award.

"you are to rude and undevelope in mind and in character for me and my money"- anointed88

Lol

Ye Olden Blogs

I was just reading a few of my old blogs. I'm always nervous when I friend someone new and realize that they may read my blogs which use terms like retards, jesus fucking christ, and uncle tom's pickaninny circus, in a somewhat fun somewhat serious context. I was lolzing at my blogs and started to wonder where all that blogging enthusiasm ran off to. Maybe it's hiding in Mads McCann's cooch.

Anyway I think those blogs were funnier cause I used so many pictures, so I'm going to bring it back.

I heard that this weekend is Denise's birthday, so I was thinking of what I could buy her, to suck up and prove how thoughtful I am. The first thing that popped into my head was "kitschy piece of crap" so I googled that. Let me know which one you think is the best, and I'll try to find something similar.

Cause and effect

CDs don't really sell anymore. Not like they used to, since everyone can download their music online for free. So who buys CDs nowadays? People who don't have enough money or resources to have internet access/mp3 players, but who do have enough money for CDs. So...people who make 10,000-20,000 a year? I think this may explain why music keeps getting shittier. Music is being made for lower income people who will buy the records.

Why are the poor underrepresented in politics? Cause they don't vote. Why isn't music I like played on the radio? Because Girl Talk's album is the only one I've paid for in ~4 years.

Life's rules

I've been making a list of the rules of life...the ones I think are important. I searched for other people's thoughts on the rules of life and they were all crap like "be the change you want to see". Ugh. So here is a short version of the list:

1. If your friend is really wasted and passing out, lay the friend on their side on the bed, with something propped behind them. If they vomit, they won't choke and die.

2. Fake it til you make it. Looking successful will lead to success.

3. Never bet on a horse that descended from A.P. Indy.

4. If two girls are fighting and you want them to stop, yell "Dyke it out!". Either they will stop, and act embarrassed, or they'll start eating each other out. Both are good.

5. If your entire head can fit in your handbag, it's probably too big. If the majority of your body can fit in your handbag, you look ridiculous- unless you are Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen.

6. Don't trust anyone who doesn't have a checking account.

7. Never move closer to Detroit.

Phone cursed

I don't have a technology problem, that I know of. I'm not one of those retards who can't figure out how to check their voicemail or talk to an automated machine. So why do I have such bad luck with cell phones? Through no fault of my own (of course, because I'm perfect) I've been without my sidekick for almost a month now. Without my Sidekick I am alone and lost in the world, wondering why I don't just bitch Tmobile out and stand in line for an Iphone 2.0.

I wrote them this letter just now. Hopefully it wasn't mean enough to discourage the customer service person from being nice to me.

Hello,

My name is Charlene Appleby and my phone number is 1-800-YOUR-MOM. On May 22nd I received a software update from Tmobile which was designed for a sidekick 4 (I have a sidekick 3) which rendered my phone inoperable. I called customer service and after many attempts, the customer service person instructed me to go to a tmobile store. I went on the 23rd, and ended up having to send my phone to tmobile.
The woman whom I spoke to on the phone that day from the store, told me that when my new phone arrived I should use the packaging to send my phone to them. Two weeks later my phone had still not arrived, so I called and was informed that I was supposed to have sent my phone first, contrary to what I was initially told. I sent my phone in that Saturday, the 7th of June. On the 13th of June I called Tmobile to see if my phone had arrived/was being sent to me, and I was informed that the phone hadn't arrived or that customer service was unable to determine if it had arrived or not. I gave my email address and was told that someone from the repairs department would be contacting me. That was Friday, and it is now Wednesday. No one has contacted me, and I don't feel like calling and wasting more of my time on hold to find out when, if ever, I will have my phone.

I would like to know when I will be receiving my replacement phone.

Thank you,
Char

I hate them so much. I can't wait til I have a cell phone that is on some corporate plan and when I have a problem with my phone I just get a new one and I never have to talk to any 4th grade education customer service person ever again.

ballin

I bought Mike a basketball yesterday and then we christened our basketball court (in a non-sexual way). Who wants to come over and play? I also did a quick inventory of our yard which I never go out in, and decided that I want to plant some flowers. While I'm at it, I'm going to plant some spinach too. Then I'll have to hire a Mexican to come pick it for me. Preferably one that doesn't have Hepatitis.

I watched the Disney/Anime movie "Spirited Away" recently. It was pretty good. Not as weird as a lot of Anime I've tried to watch. The crazy part was that the music they used in part of the movie was the same as the background music in Pokemon Snap. Now I've been really craving a good couple of hours of taking pictures of Jigglypuff on stage.

I caught a replay of the MTV movie awards and was amazed at Johnny Depp's fashion-forward move.




He brought back the butt cut, or as I like to call it, Rally's guy haircut. Apparently Seth Green was already annoying when he came out of his mom's vag.

I didn't even realize it until he came out, but it is totally OK to bring back that lame hairstyle. It might even be possible for it to be cool now. If David Beckham gets that haircut then it's official.

Day to day employment

So I'm still working at this Randstad place, and it's annoying me a little. I think I'm probably not going to go in there tomorrow. But that will probably be fine because they didn't ever tell me I should plan on working tomorrow.

The deal is that last week they told us that our project is almost over, and we were supposed to be done on Friday. If we weren't done, then we might work Tuesday (Mon being Memorial Day). So the absolute latest I expected to work was today. Now they tell us today that we'll be working tomorrow. Well sorry aholes, I already made plans to go to Cleveland when you told me that I wouldn't be working after Tuesday! Also we have the next week off, not by choice, and after that we only get to come back if we're on a certain project. Which they haven't told us if we're on or not. W. T. F.

So I'll be lickin my dick for the next week and a half, waiting to hear if I'm one of the chosen few who get to crush the dreams of the schoolchildren of Delaware. Hopefully they are smarter than these other GD retards from the other states.

I had a lady perform a random act of kindness on me today, by telling me that I didn't have to pay her for a book. She sent it to me and I should therefore send her a credit (paperbackswap.com) but she told me not to worry cause she has over 20 credits right now. I didn't tell her that I have 25 credits... I just said thank you. If someone wants baby Jesus to smile, they're not going to accept your payment no matter how many times you try to force it on them.

My sister is graduating from high school on Sunday. I'm so proud of her for not having any illegitimate, indeterminate racial background, welfare babies yet. Mike said that if Josie graduates from college with a 4.0 he'll buy her a car. I said that's a pretty safe bet, but I would also buy her a car if her grades were that good. Then he said we should buy her a car if she graduates without getting knocked up, and I said, it's not that hard to not get knocked up. He said, we're talking about Josie though. I think it's easier to keep an empty uterus than to get a 4.0, but I'm really not that big of a slut (I swear).

Those are my random thoughts for the day.

I just flew in

And boy are my legs tired. What I'm trying to say is that I'm training to run a 5k this weekend. I mistakenly had a glass of wine at dinner tonight and I don't think that mixed well with the workout. I was supposed to run at least 5 miles tonight and only ran 4. Oh well. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone who thinks I'm an alcoholic. A 5k is only 3.1 miles (for you stupid Americans who don't know the metric system, cause I know I don't) but I want to overtrain. If I run 5 miles on Thursday then 3.1 miles on Saturday should feel like nothing. Theoretically.

The race is in Oakwood, the town where I grew up, so if I fail miserably, hardly anyone I know will see me.

Speaking of Oakwood, I was reading their little newspaper a few weeks ago and I saw this editorial: The "reality" of GTMO. So I had to respond with this (it's 2/3 of the way down the page). We're all guilty.

It made me think about holding a view very strongly. I think that so and so is true, and I believe it so strongly, that I honestly can't see any way that a rational person can believe that it's NOT true. Yet, that person who believes it's not true sits there and thinks how stupid and blind I must be to believe it. I guess that's the reason we have wars. I understand why people would feel that we can do whatever the fuck we want to anyone in the middle east. They justify it in their minds by buying into the utter lies that come out of our leaders' mouths. Well, our country elected this president, and he thinks it's right, so that means everyone wants it and it's right. I love Budweiser products and Ford trucks, and baseball....jihadist motherfuckers, Saddam, Osama, God favors us over Islam, blah blah blah. If people who believe that holding prisoners without due process is A-OK and that the Geneva Convention is only a suggestion all died, the world would be a better place.

Anyway, I have an adult job now so I have to go to bed.

The youth of a nation

Remember P.O.D.?

I started my new job yesterday, and so far it's pretty incredible. I can see how it will get monotonous after a while, but for now it's awesome. My job primarily consists of me sitting at a computer and scoring young children's essays. These kids are in the 11-12 year old range. Sometimes I start reading one, and I can hardly believe my luck because it's written in complete sentences and makes good points. Then again, those take more time to grade. It's easier when the essay is two sentences of BS that have nothing to do with the prompt, then you give it an F and move on.

It's a little more complicated than that, but I'm not really supposed to discuss the details. Every essay has something fun in it though. A mention of how a kid's dad farts in his brother's face, a discussion of hip-hop abs (totally unrelated to the prompt), sentences like "The different makes different and normal people and that makes the difference.", I just can't get enough. I would probably never get tired of giving these kids bad marks.

The person who checks the grades had to message me 3 times today for giving a number that was way lower than the other person who graded it, LOLs. It's my first day though, so I'll get better. Also I think the other graders try to find ways to give the kids better scores cause they're thinking of the children. I just think about their bad grammar and try to give them a dose of reality.

My absolute favorite are the ones where the kids talk about how great their teachers are... how they are so smart and teach them so well. Then the essay is full of misspellings, bad grammar, and has no structure. Your teacher obviously isn't that great, or your essay would be a lot better, pipsqueak! Haha.

I shrugged

I started re-reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand this January. I tried to read it circa 2002, but gave up about 1/3 of the way in. Ryan and I decided that we would try to read it at the same time, in a kind of "Finer Things" book club. Members of this club include Ryan and myself. I wouldn't try to subject anyone else to a book of this length.

In all fairness, I'd have to say I've skipped at least 50 pages of this book. It's extremely repetitive. If someone is giving a long talk, I read the first sentence of each paragraph, skim, and see if they are actually revealing new plot, if not, I skip it. It's the same old shit in each diatribe. If she would have just said "Dagny is not a whore by any means, she only slept with Rearden because he was the culmination of her awesomeness and the answer to her incredible potential and you are never allowed to forget that in this entire story." she could have saved herself 50-70 pages of writing.

Some people say that Atlas Shrugged was one of the most important books they ever read, and made them look at life differently, etc. Others claim it was the biggest waste of time they ever tried to read. I wouldn't put it in either category. Yeah, it's incredibly long, but there are some good parts. It would have been a lot better if there was ANY humor in it. It's definitely the most pages I've ever read without smiling or being emotionally moved in any way. Even the descriptions of sex are dull. Rand tried to make Dagny this woman who was completely unable to do anything illogical. Every bit of lust she felt had an entirely logical motivation, which makes no sense. Attraction between two people and sex especially, is probably the least logical part of human life. Why do you think there's so many unplanned pregnancies?

Anyway, I don't think I'll be reading anymore Rand. I find the way she writes to be a bit pretentious and dull. I think trying to argue a political philosophy through a novel is a waste of a novel. As you're writing it, you become too focused on the politics and ideas you're trying to drive home, and you forget that you have to write an interesting story with characters that the reader might care about. You'd be better off writing a political treatise.

I could write a lot more, but in a non-Randian fashion, I'll end it here.

King of Kong: Billy Mitchell is a total asshole

WARNING: SPOILERS


Wow, this movie was so exacting in its portrayal of good and evil. I really wanted Steve Wiebe to annihilate Billy Mitchell's high score. I wanted him to score like 2 million points and then piss on Billy Mitchell's wife's fake titties while all the major news stations reported on it, and Mitchell sat in a corner and cried. This movie made me want to learn how to play Donkey Kong so that I could beat Mitchell's score.

Any person who's ever gotten caught up playing video games for hours, can know exactly what Wiebe must have felt when his son needed his ass wiped. He was about to get a very important high score. If that kid has to walk around with a poopy butt for a half hour more, so be it.

My favorite quote of the movie came at the beginning, from the "umpire" Walter Day. He said, in regards to why he got into video games:

"I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted the glory, I wanted the fame. I wanted the pretty girls to come up and say, 'Hi, I see that you're good at Centipede.' "

I say that to dudes all the time. I'll see a guy tearing it up at Halo and it just turns me on. Then I walk over and say, "Hi, I see that you're good at Halo, want to fuck?" and he says, "Hold on, I'm about to activate the ring" or something. Then I go and fuck his friend who is hanging out, looking cool, not playing video games, able to carry on a conversation with a girl.

I loved the ending, not just because Wiebe was able to pass a million points on video, but because they did a great job of showing that he was a good person. Despite not surpassing Mitchell's high score in Florida, making crappy Christian music, not being a good pitcher, and getting laid off at Boeing, he had a pretty good life. He has a tolerant wife who didn't divorce him for playing video games endlessly, two cute kids, a decent job, and he wasn't a hatefully arrogant prick. Mitchell runs some restaurant chain and hot sauce company, bangs his silicone-enhanced fake Louis Vuitton purse carrying bimbo wife, and rocks a mullet and a USA tie. At least his parents love him. He's probably one of the most douchy real people I've ever experienced.

For example, during the Florida event, Mitchell avoids showing up except for about 10 minutes in which he does not play at all. He walks by Wiebe playing Donkey Kong and Wiebe says, "Hi Billy". Mitchell ignores him, walks about two steps away, and says to his wife, "There are some people I don't want to associate with too much." Yeah. You wouldn't want to interact with any normal clean people, some of your sleaziness might wash off.

I give this movie an A. Too bad Doris Self died, it would have been an A+

Balls

I was just reading this website/blog I've never read before. It's got a feminist jaunt. This girl went to a wedding show and had the balls to post this picture of something she found in the bathroom.

http://jezebel.com/375812/single-slut-crashes-new-york-weddings-showcase

That made me laugh. Also the last paragraph of the article.

Westside gangs

I didn't know that we moved into a gang neighborhood. This is what I saw on our street corner today. I took some covert pictures so they wouldn't get violent.

Their main functions seem to be: playing basketball in the street,


trying to get run over by cars,



pimpin out hos and recruiting younger members.



Once of them is even wearing Ecko jeans, and that girl is barefoot. Where are the parents of these children? Ick. Kids.

Gmail custom time

So I just wrote about 2 paragraphs on how retarded the Google/Gmail team is and how fuckin retarded they must be to believe this program is worthwhile. Then I realized it's an April Fool's joke. Ugh.

Yelle

Spurned on by my French techno phase, I recently heard of this girl called Yelle (yeah + elle). She is sweet in a weirdo French way, and some of the remixes of her songs are pretty hot. She has a great song about some other male French pop star and how she wants him to do porn so everyone can see his small dick. A reporter asked: What did Cuizinier do that made you want sing about him having a small dick? Yelle: Nothing. I didn’t even know him. It was just funny to do a track about someone who represented French pimp rappers. About Lil Kim she says "Her face is like a monster. She’s a complete mutant. She arrived and everybody was like who is this girl?"

I love her. So then I'm watching the Gauntlet reunion the other night and there was a bumper ad with a Yelle video. And I caught about a 5 minute segment of the Hills the other night where they used her song "A Cause Des Garcons". Ugh. Now I'll have to listen to 16 year old girls talk about girl power again. I hate MTV sometimes. They ruin everything good and turn shit into "music".

Comcastic ball lickers

When I lived in Chicago, I had Comcast, the Satan of cable companies. If all the companies that provided shitty service along with astronomical charges were on a baseball team, Time Warner would be Derek Jeter and Comcast would be Bud Selig (the league commissioner, for you non SPORT fans).

Upon moving out, they charged me some BS fee for not returning my cable box to a certain location. Whether I did or did not, or might actually be responsible, is not in my best interest to disclose in a public format. Lately when I log in to my WAMU credit card with free credit score updates, it's been telling me I have a delinquent account. I figured this was my OSU student loan which they f'd up and thought was late because they credited my monthly payment as an extra payment (?) and decided it was late when I didn't send one til the next month. Anyway...

I signed up on Prosper.com because I think it sounds ingenious and like a good way to stick it to the man. They run a credit check on you. While I received an 'A' credit rating, it showed that I have a delinquency of $612. That could not be my OSU bill, so I got my free credit report, and sure enough, that cock-sucking Comcast collection agency is still trying to say I owe them money. Regardless of the fact that they have not tried to contact me since 2006.

In 2006 they were sending me letters and calling me, so I sent them a certified letter informing them that they have to prove that I owe them the money before they can try to collect. I have the contract they provided when they installed the cable, and I did not sign it, my roommate did. Therefore, they have no proof and can not legally collect. I guess they figure they can get away with this, but I disputed this mark on my credit report so now they'll have to prove it to Experian. Eat that, cum-dumpster Comcast. Cunts.

Buckeye 4 life

Now that I've gotten all my scholarship offers, I've decided to go to Ohio State this fall. I'm super excited and ready to be awesome at law school. Looking at the facebook profiles of the other people who are going to be in my class, I am unimpressed. None of them look or sound very smart, which is good and bad. I want to have interesting debates and helpful people to work with, but I also want to dominate when it comes to exam time. What I am most dismayed by is their youngness. A lot of them are fresh out of undergrad. The older I get, the more I realize how naive I used to be, which means that when I'm 30 I'll think the same thing about myself at 26.

At least being 22 or 23 is not as obnoxious as being 20 or 21. Just because you can legally drink in a bar, doesn't mean you have good decision making skills. In fact, it's usually the opposite. You make better decisions when you're 20 cause you're drunk in bars less often.

I can't believe I'm choosing to immerse myself in Buckeye culture for 3 more years. I hate Buckeye fans so much, they're like a terrible plague on the state of Ohio.

Besides that, I'm still looking forward to it. I'll even get to enjoy the RPAC that I paid for 3 years ago and never got to use!

DB Don

I have removed this blog because it could get me fired. If you want to read it, please email wolvi6@aol.com and I will send it to you.

I think

This is my top 10 list of movies, since everyone is posting theirs. I wouldn't say that it's obligatory to like these movies in order to be my friend, but if you can't appreciate these movies in one way or another, then there's something wrong with you.

10. Y Tu Mama Tambien
9. American History X
8. I <3 Huckabees
7. The King and I (Deoborah Kerr/Yul Brenner version)
6. American Beauty
5. Gattaca
4. Hero (Jet Li version)
3. Rounders
2. 3-Iron
1. A River Runs Through It

Runners up: Almost Famous, Rushmore, Man on Fire, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, and Keeping the Faith

I put Wong Kar-Wai movies in a different category. I used to put Chungking Express in my top 10, but it's his movies as a group that I like. I don't think they have a particular message individually, you have to commit to watching all of them.

I haven't seen a lot of big movies from 2007 yet, so I guess if any of them are any good, they might make the cut. I did see Juno, and I wouldn't put it in my top 10. Movies have to pass a test of re-watchability for me. I'd say I've seen A River Runs Through It at least 15 times, and I still like watching it.

Skool is cool

I was reading my gmail and the blurb at the top was about a man winning a big bet on a horse race and becoming a millionaire. It reminded me of a story I saw a day or two about a guy in Georgia who won the lottery by playing his grandchildren's birth dates. I just started wondering, why does the media drum these rags to riches stories into our heads? The people who win the lottery are of course expecting their 15 minutes of fame. How else would all their long-lost relatives find out they won money and try to cash in? These stories just make us greedy for money we haven't earned.

The lottery itself seems like such an American concept that I was surprised when I read that it hadn't actually started here. Many European/Asian/South American countries have lotteries also. The lottery theory, in my own words, is, "I'm going to throw my small money away on a regular basis for the one in 14 million chance of winning big money, in the meantime, I'm not going to go to school, look for a good job, or save for retirement, because eventually, I will win". I think this is the mindset of most lottery players, the others are just playing because it's a work social activity, or they are on vacation in Vegas. So I think it's an inherently American past-time. Not working, being lazy, and relying on magic/God to save them from their inevitable demise.

I blame the lottery (and professional sports) for people thinking they are entitled to something for nothing. If you want to be rich some day, or at least well off, you have to work hard. You either have to go to school and learn a valuable trade, or do something entrepreneurial, like opening your own business and busting your ass at it. Yes, there are people who win the lottery. Yes, there are poor kids who are awesome at basketball who now live in billion dollar houses. What are the chances that you fall into one of those groups? Slim to fucking none, so stay in school, cunt.

It's fucking psycho week!

Wow, so I thought I had reached my limit of psycho stalker fun for a good while, but I was wrong. Today I logged on to my myspace to find a message from my ex-ex-boyfriend, yes, the one I broke up with approximately 6 years ago. Luckily, I changed my picture after stalker #1 messaged me the other day, so he wasn't sure it was me (my screen name is Squeezy).

Here's the message:
-----------
Hey there,

Im not sure if this is who I think it is. Im taking a wild guess from the Akron location and hoping its (Cunt First Name, Cunt Last Name). If it is not sorry to bug you, if it is (Cunt First Name) you know who this is and if you want to, get back to me. Id love to see how you are doing. If you dont want to well I guess dont respond or respond and say you dont want to be in contact.


Sorry this message is so rambling, Ill explain later if you want.

Hope I have the right person and hope to hear from you

Take care

(Douche ex bf First Name)
---------------------

Seriously? About a year and a half ago, he sent me multiple text messages and left many voicemails, telling me how sick he was, he was in the hospital, and didn't know what was going to happen. I texted a mutual friend to make sure it wasn't a complete lie, and it was true, he had been in the hospital for quite some time. So, for all I knew, he might die. I still did not call him. Why? Because he is a complete leech on society. He has never contributed anything useful to any person or place. All he wants is someone to fucking feel sorry for him. Apparently the rest of the people he knows aren't showing him enough pity and he's hoping I still care enough to baby him with phone calls and loving messages to show him I'm thinking about him. Fuck that.

The last time I saw him was Christmas of 2005. I should not have agreed to hang out with him, but I was feeling gay Christmas nostalgia and hanging out with high school people. He pulled out some pictures of some chick he was currently friends with (but not dating?) then talked about all "the old times". Like, before I was conscious of what it means to be a useful human being. You know who has an excuse for never accomplishing anything in life? Quadriplegics. The guy who wrote "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" could only blink one eye. And he wrote a book! He had a great excuse to never do anything again, and he still did something. My ex-ex-bf has no excuse whatsoever. He's just a lazy sack of shit. He's started at least 3 different school programs and dropped out of all of them, and has never held even a part time job for more than a few weeks, as far as I know. That's 28 years of absolutely nothing.

"I'll explain later" means, "There's a reason that you should feel sorry for me, please let me tell you why." No thanks. If I felt like being lied to I'd watch Fox news. To reminisce over my ex-bf's drama-queen antics, please visit: clink.

I could go on for hours, but my blood pressure is already elevated. I am soooo glad I am past the point in my life where I purposely interact with psycho men. Not too far past it, but past it nonetheless.

Worst songs of 2007

MIMS- "This Is Why I'm Hot" They love the way the charm hanging from the neck
And compliments the arm which compliments the ear den comes the gear

The thigh bone's connected to the hip bone.

Akon and Snoop Dogg- "I Wanna Fuck You" ...Cause I'm far from a scrub, you know my pedigree, ex-dealer used to move phetamines.

That's some pedigree. I know I'm always looking for a guy who knows how to move some serious product. We would have some beautiful babies.

Shop Boyz- "Party Like a Rockstar"
1. T-T-T-Totally dude Is this like LL Cool J's "Z-Z-Z-Z-Z"?
2. I uwa like I uwa That's just redundant. Also, what is uwa?

Hinder- "Lips of an Angel" This song is the epitome of everything I hate in pop music. One crap ass predictable lyric after another. Sounds exactly like every other rock song about love I've ever heard. Angels don't exist, so their lips don't exist, so this song doesn't exist. I wish.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Barf

Here's another quality selection from last year's top hits list. It's by Kelly Clarkson.

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

Guess what it's called? No, not "Unbearable Kelly Clarkson song number 7". It's called "Never Again". Who would have guessed?


Good Charlotte- "Dance Floor Anthem"

We break up it’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay
Let it go
Get out there and find someone
...

Everybody
Put up your hands Say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feeling good now
Don’t be afraid to get down say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”

So if you break up, the best way to find someone new is to get out on the dance floor and scream about how you don't want to be in love. Then Nicole Ritchie will become impregnated with your sperm. The end.

Nicole Sherzinger- "Whatever You Like"

So far in this list it hasn't been so important to actually listen to the songs, but if you haven't heard this one, I want you to download it right now. Thank God you'll be able to delete it immediately afterwards. It's one of the worst songs I've ever heard. And then it keeps going for like 5 more minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen
I know what you want
She's hot as a stove
Her name is Nicole

I'll do whatever you like
I'll do whatever you like
I can do, I can do
I do, I do whatever you like

Yes, that's the gist of the entire song. News flash: Stove does not rhyme with Nicole. She must have paid T.I. a lot of money to participate in this shit-fest. The straightforward slut lyrics get to me too. What's her next song going to be? "Put Your Penis in My Vagina" I guess. Sol just wants to pee in her butt. Hey, she does whatever you like.

Carrie Underwood- "Before He Cheats" This song does have its redeeming qualities, but there are a couple parts I laugh at. She refers to her bf's new girl as a bleach blonde tramp. Then she says
“Right now, she’s probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke”. Is she singing about the next time he cheats, or what his ex thought when he cheated with Carrie Underwood?

Jonas Brothers- SOS
Next time I see you
I'm giving you a high five
cause hugs are overrated, just FYI

Hugs are overrated? YOU'RE overrated. And you're a douche.

Fall Out Boy- "Thanks For the Memories"
He tastes like you only sweeter

It was much cooler when Julia Roberts said it, and she also said “He tastes like you but sweeter”. If you want to quote it so badly, then quote it correctly.

2007's worst song of the year award goes to:

Colbie Caillet- "Bubbly"
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

Is "a silly place" code for your clitoris? The only physical attributes you can describe as bubbly are burns or blisters. If his face is bubbly, it should only give you shivers up your spine, not tingles in your lady-parts. The thing I hate most about her is the tone of all her music. It’s like she’s on a permanent good one that the rest of us will just never know. It’s called weed, and I can tell she smokes a lot of it. Just because all songwriters are drug addicts doesn't mean that all drug addicts can be songwriters. I hope something terrible happens to her so she can write something depressing. It'll still be shitty, but at least it will be realistic.

You should kill yourself

I got this message on myspace today from this jerkoff who I used to work with. He's just one of those people that I never think of except for when he wants to stick his little ugly head into my internet world. When I was living in Chicago he had his Dad call me one night, I wrote about that in my old blog. He has the distinction of being one of the first assholes to ever cause me to change my phone number. Not that he was the last.

He writes:

Hey Cunt [just using a fun pseudonym],
I haven't talked to you in a long time so I just wanted to write and say hi. I hope all is well with you. I watch jeopardy every once in a while hoping to catch you on there. I know how much you always wanted to get on that show. I'm sure you would have given that Ken Jennings guy a run for his money.
I just started a new job. I'm a respiratory therapist at a hospital in cincinnati. I signed up for a 1 year commitment there. As soon as that is over I am heading for Florida. There are plenty of old people with respiratory problems. That is called job security. Anyways, I just wanted to say hi. I was driving to books and company the other day. I passed by wonderly dr. and it made me think of you. I really miss you. I hope you are doing great. I thank you for all the great memories I have of you. Write me sometime. I would love to hear from you. If not I hope you know that I will always cherish the friendship I had with you. You are truly a memorable person in my life. Take care Cunt.
[Signed complete asshole toolbag]

First of all, I don't give a shit what this guy is doing now. I think this was a fun way of him trying to vindicate himself like, "Oh, I no longer manage a fast food restaurant, btw, I am super successful and cool." Which is impossible. He could be CEO of a Fortune 500 and still be a complete loser. Then he tries to make jokes to make me remember how funny he is. He is funny. That doesn't mean he has any other redeeming qualities. Funniness does not negate loser status. Also my dad lives on Wonderly Ave. If you knew how to use the internet you could have looked that up. It only increases my suspicions of you being a psycho stalker, driving by my old house like my ex-bf used to do. How do you even remember where I lived? Seriously? If you live in Cincinnati, why the fuck would you be driving through Oakwood anyway?

As for all those "memories" you have of me, I'm sure you conveniently wiped away the negative ones. You know, where you held my hands behind my back, wouldn't let me out of the office, called me a bitch, hung up the phone when I tried to call the cops, chased me to my car, wouldn't let me close the door to my car so that I had to almost run you over (wish I had) and then called me about 50 times, leaving me endless voicemails about how sorry you were. I should have pressed charges against you and I should have sued Gary for knowing you were a violent crazy lunatic and not firing you. It's one of the only regrets I have in life, and that's really saying something.

Please kill yourself.

Queasy

I was almost done with internetting for tonight, and then I saw one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen. I unwittingly opened a myspace bulletin to see a video of a raccoon being skinned alive. After a quick search I found the video posted on PETA's site. I fucking hate PETA but I also hate animal torture, so I guess it's a toss up.

At first I thought it was just a video of a raccoon being beaten to death which I actually don't have a big problem with since a lot of people consider them to be pesky animals and probably poison them like rats anyway. At least a quick blow or two to the head is a less painful death. Actually it was just beaten slightly, then hung upside down and skinned while still struggling the entire time. There can't be any point to that. It has to be harder to skin an animal while it's struggling then to kill it and deal with a dead body. It's probably just some slimy PETA scare tactic. They most likely paid some farmer 20 dollars to do it so they could show it to Americans to horrify them. It makes no sense for that guy to not kill the animal before skinning it, therefore I don't believe it.

I wouldn't recommend watching it, at least not if you plan on eating in the next hour or two, but it's linked from PETA's site if you want to see it. "Inside Chinese Fur Farms". It made me feel a lot more nauseous than two girls and one cup.

Ok now I'm done internetting.

sNO storm

I was promised a winter weather advisory-worthy snowstorm. Having it snow tomorrow during the day does me no good. I need it to snow a lot now so that Honda will close.

I'm on page 718 of Atlas Shrugged now. I thought the story would get better but it really hasn't. There have just been more male characters introduced for the main character (Dagny) to want to bang. For purely majestic reasons. None of them having to do with orgasms. That's probably the hardest part of the book to understand. Other than the fact that airplanes exist but people continue to travel across the country on trains and consider it time-efficient. Don't even get me started. I have so many other books that I know will be better than this one, just waiting for me to read them. I resent Ayn Rand for writing such a long book. She inspired me to read more short stories.

I think I might get a job grading standardized test essays. I think it's the kind of thing I might like, since it involves getting paid for finding fault in others. I'm good at finding fault in myself too, but no one's going to pay me for that.

Feminism

Do you ever meet someone, specifically a man, whom you just want to punch in the face? I don't mean because they actually did anything wrong, but just because you find them to be a despicable human being?

Example one: This cholo sitting at our bar tonight. Apparently his name is "Brian" which is so original I can't take it. I hope no one named Brian is reading this. I'm talking to him and his friend because I'm ridiculously bored. There is also a kind of sleazy older guy sitting in the seat next to them. This "Brian" asshole is talking to me about being a philosophy major and how I use that every day unlike something like trigonometry. Which is such a bullshit way to look at it because trigonometry could actually help you answer something or make money, whereas philosophy will only make you want to kill yourself. He then proceeded to tell me that he "hates girls like that" when I told him how I'm never single, I always move from one serious relationship to the next (no comments). Then sleazy old guy walks by me and tells me I have a cute little butt and "Brian" says "I don't know that guy." so as to distance himself from the remark. Which pissed me off because rather than being honest like sleazeball and admitting that he is just a walking penis, he was trying to run some kind of stupid game on me and lead me to believe he has some kind of redeeming qualities and "hates girls like me". I'd rather talk to old balls who probably has some common sense than leather jacket wearing douche bags who probably still live at home. I really wanted to punch him in the face.

Example two: Dude on the train from Portland to the airport. Everything this guy did made me want to gag, wash my hands, or kick him in the balls. He got on the train and sat directly across from me, which I hate. I want to be able to stare blankly into space, not be forced to turn my head to stare blankly out the window. Then he clears his throat in the sinus-draining, bringing phlegm into the back of your throat to hack it up, kind of way. ::Shudder:: Then a girl got on the train and sat next to him, I don't know why she would sit there. He takes a drink out of his coke can and starts making this tasty noise, smacking his lips. It was almost pornographic considering the context. The girl pulled out a book, probably to try to forget about the creepo, and then got off at the next stop. He continues clearing his throat and being gross, then he sits his coke can down on the seat next to him. A stop later, the can falls over, and he looks at it, and ignores it. I knew that little asshole was just going to leave his can on the train, and he did. I wanted to call him out and ask him if he forgot his can but I didn't, because I didn't want to get hit by some psycho stranger. And you think I'm bad for not recycling. At least I can put garbage in its proper receptacles. I guarantee that guy also spits on the street, which is so unnecessary and revolting. It's called swallowing you fucking idiots. 99% of the population knows how to do it, why don't you? On top of that, you're spreading your lower-class diseases and tuberculosis all over the place.

Ugh. I think I might become les.

Chicken Eucharist

This is probably the most pseudo-intellectual work I've ever put into a blog. It's a theory I've had for years, but never got around to fully developing, internet style. The theory rests on the assumption that black people love fried chicken. I take this to be an obvious statement. The other statement that I assume to be true is that white people like to make black people do what they want.

I noticed quite a few years ago, that many fried chicken places had religious sounding names. I could never account for Lee's Famous Recipe, other than to maybe remind black people of the Confederate War and their former status as slaves. KFC is also apparently unaffiliated, as the Colonel was not a reverend as I thought, but just an honorary military dude and salesman. The others; however, are a little unnerving.

Take for example, Chick-Fil-A. The name appears to be fairly kitschy but unoffensive. I prefer to pronounce the A as an "Ahh" sound, but that's a separate issue. Their spelling is atrocious, which is probably an attempt to reach out to the less educated groups who grew up with Play-Skool toys and now want to eat Chikn. Getting to the religious end, did you know that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays? The owner is a devout baptist who teaches Sunday school and encourages his employees to attend church. So...what are black people going to do when they go to the local Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday and they can't get any chicken? Go to church, of course, what else can you do if there's no chicken?

Church's chicken is another prime example. According to wikipedia, the founder of the chain had the last name Church, but I find that to be preposterous. This guy agrees with me, and who knows, maybe he is more reliable than wikipedia. He seems to think he is. Church's is now actually a part of the same parent company that owns Popeye's.

Don't even get me started on Popeye's. First of all, I love that place. It's the best chicken coon by ya eatery (or whatever), if you take all matters into consideration. Apparently there is one only 7 miles from my house. I thought for sure the closest one would be on Cleveland Avenue. I may just go there tomorrow. They have the most incredible mashed potatoes with little bits of delicious artery-clogging goodness in the Cajun gravy. They also have some spicy honey mustard which has a delightfully Katrina-ish name like Mardi Gras mustard or something like that.

Anyway, please just look at the name Popeye's. The way it's written in their logo makes it even a little more obvious what they are getting at. Pope Yes. Say yes to the pope. Honor him and kiss his ring by eating our chicken. They claim to have named the restaurant after a character in a movie, not even after the cartoon character. Then later on they used the cartoon sailor in their advertisements. Now they're back to pretending they don't have no affiliations with nobody. Whatever. Just keep eating chicken and praising Jesus/cheese sauce and no one will start a lynch mob, Tiger Woods.

There's even a rumors on the internet that the KKK owns Church's chicken and puts in ingredients to cause sterility in black men. Although there is no proof to this, I would say their plan failed. Just ask Fantasia. B A B Y M A M A.

Eating chicken= taking part in the Eucharist, as far as some of these places are concerned. The body of Christ contains zero calories though, so eat up!

I think we should get Popeye's to sponsor our black movie, so I can have an excuse to eat Popeye's every day while the movie is made.

Incoherent

I sent Jen a quick email to say hi. Here is her unedited and unintelligible reply:

iam doing good with her are you kelly iam take break blog one day than iam gonna be back on blog on monday are we getting together. this summer i talk to her yeterday it was good to hear from you tell your girlfriend said hi. she moving to illinois than we are getting a house together. i hope to hear from you soon thank for writing me kelly.

To translate, she is my new bff on blogtv. Last time I signed into her show she almost pissed outside her piss bucket Then I got to be blue. That's right, I had the power to kick people out of the room, although I didn't. I'm right up there with pantha and haziel now.

I'm in Oregon right now so I'm saving up my amusing Pacific NW antidotes to write about when I get back. Tell Jen that "Kelly" says hi.

I am les

I recently began attending the show "Karaoke with Jennifer" at blogtv, after Charles told me about her, shall we say, entertaining personality. At first glance, Jennifer appears to be a mentally challenged individual. She has an oxygen tube, wears a visor and oversized tshirts, and talks in a baby voice. Sol thinks that she might be faking it.

The first day I watched Jen's show, it was pure joy. Singing, chatting, and speculating at her genetic disorder. The second day, Jen seemed distracted. She wasn't singing much, just chatting to someone and occasionally paying attention to us viewers. The next day, she announced that she was a lesbian, and had met the love of her life. This girlfriend was a stranger up until the day before when she had visited Jen's show and struck up a conversation with her.

At first I was shocked and delighted, and then I was jealous. Who was this Blueeyedblonde who had somehow tricked Jen into being her "girlfriend" after only one day of conversation? This e-person must be some kind of evil genius to have thought of such a diabolical plan before I did. The only thing better than being Jen's lesbian e-gf is to seduce her away from said gf, which I am working on right now.

I mentioned to Jen that I would be visiting Illinois in March and that we should meet up. I asked how far Chicago was from where Jen lives and someone said it's about a 2 hour drive. I stupidly said, "that's ok, i'll make my boyfriend drive me". Charles was watching the show with me and suggested that I make myself out to be a lesbian so I said, "i mean, girlfriend". The viewers immediately jumped on the lesbo bandwagon and I was in.

Soon Jen and I were private messaging. Here is the transcript:

JENNSTARR:

iam les my girlfriend is in here

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

i know, i heard that from your show

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

i am too

JENNSTARR:

u are

JENNSTARR:

my girlfriend is in here with me

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

yeah, i have been for a while

JENNSTARR:

but she is moving to my state

JENNSTARR:

me toto

JENNSTARR:

we started dating

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

where is your girlfriend from?

JENNSTARR:

and asked her out

JENNSTARR:

lousianna

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

oh that's cool. my girlfriend is in chicago, so it's hard being apart

JENNSTARR:

i know it is

JENNSTARR:

but she is moving soon

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

it's nice to talk on the phone

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

and online

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

she's moving to illinois?

JENNSTARR:

we gonna move in together

JENNSTARR:

yep

JENNSTARR:

to be with me

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

that's great

JENNSTARR:

we are getting married too

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

oh wow, that's cool

JENNSTARR:

yep

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

is she really pretty?

lolJLHfpjSMGsdr:

my girlfriend has blonde hair too

At this point, Jen went back to chatting in the room, but my foot was in the door as her lesbian friend. The next day I got her to give me her email address so I could follow up on when we were going to meet up in Illinois and hang out (and by hang out, I mean have a strap on orgy). I emailed her today just to say hi. The next step is to create a fake fight with my fake girlfriend and ask Jen to be my fake lesbian e-gf. I can't wait to have her telling everyone she's moving to Ohio to marry me. The end.

Internet friends

Something happened a long time ago that started with this e-versation:

Pavlo2: i did see that you took me off your top 8
Pavlo2: i hate you
Wolvi6: i'm not on your top 8
Pavlo2: that has nothing to do with this
Wolvi6: it's based on where i rank on other peoples' top 8s
Pavlo2: i'm sorry you feel that way
Wolvi6: feelings have to be reciprocated
Wolvi6: i couldn't just go on loving you getting nothing in return
Wolvi6: it tore apart my heart
Pavlo2: i give you comments
Pavlo2: and tell you that i'm thinking of you when i eat taco frisbees
Wolvi6: that's true
Pavlo2: i think i might have to delete all the comments i've ever given you
Wolvi6: hahaha
Pavlo2: in retaliation
Wolvi6: don't do that, it will destroy happy myspace memories
Pavlo2: i know
Pavlo2: if you can erase any signs of our friendship from your front page...
Pavlo2: i can finish off the job
Pavlo2: :-*
Wolvi6: you never even put me in your top 8!
Wolvi6: jocelyn gets to be there!
Pavlo2: shes my only real friend on there aside from garrett
Pavlo2: because she is the person who nagged me enough to join myspace
Wolvi6: yeah but i'm not your real friend i guess
Wolvi6: i see how it is
Pavlo2: "real friend" in that the rest of my top 8 are celebrities who aren't actually themselves
Wolvi6: i know i know
Pavlo2: this is quite serious
Pavlo2: myspace is tearing us apart, rachel
Wolvi6: no, you're tearing us apart. if you put me in your top 8 i would have left you in, but dan took your place because he put me in his
Pavlo2: wasn't dan already in yours?
Wolvi6: yes, but it was a mistake, like with you, because i wasn't in his top 8. so we discussed it and he bumped one of his other friends out for me
Pavlo2: oh well, i'm done negotiating
Pavlo2: time to take action
Pavlo2: i've left 12+ comments on your comment board
Pavlo2: it will be sad to see them go
Wolvi6: yes it will. i'm sorry it has to come to this
Pavlo2: i also want you to stop using the picture of you in my glasses
Pavlo2: it is copywrited by me
Pavlo2: please don't make me persue legal action
Wolvi6: that's not possible
Wolvi6: "blue" can not be copyrighted
Pavlo2: YOU'RE not possible
Pavlo2: the image that i took can be
Wolvi6: i took that picture
Pavlo2: you did not!
Pavlo2: i can see both of you arms in that picture!
Wolvi6: i'm pretty sure i did
Wolvi6: that's the face i make when i take pictures of myself
Pavlo2: ha
Pavlo2: well, nevertheless, i am sorry that Jeff (who has left you 0 comments) means more to you than the 12+ comments i have left you
Wolvi6: i'm like number 4 in his top 8
Wolvi6: i told you the requirements, they are very cut and dry
Pavlo2: you do realize that your requirements are quite flawed
Wolvi6: not really.
Pavlo2: for it to work, you could only be in 8 people's top 8
Wolvi6: it was a ranking
Wolvi6: yes but if there are more than 8, then it just has to do with how many top 7s or top 6s i'm in
Pavlo2: what if 9 people have you as their #1 friend?
Pavlo2: you have to make a biased choice at some point
Wolvi6: yeah, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it
Pavlo2: and i believe that my comments/viewership are worth more than simply placing you in my top 8 just because i don't have other friends
Wolvi6: you have to express my importance to you publically, otherwise how does anyone know that you care?
Wolvi6: maybe you are just a comment whore, and comment on everyone
Pavlo2: this is unfounded
Pavlo2: i think you may find that i have commented more on your site than any other
Pavlo2: i'm am sorry that this has gone unnoticed
Wolvi6: i haven't checked all your friends' sites
Pavlo2: this hurts me
Pavlo2: i'm telling Dom
Wolvi6: why don't you just put me in your top 8, preferably around number 5 or 6
Wolvi6: then i can bump someone out for you
Pavlo2: it's too late
Pavlo2: i don't want to be in your top 8
Pavlo2: i have to go now
Wolvi6: you ruined my life
Pavlo2: i hate you
Wolvi6: i'm taking you out of my real life top 8
Pavlo2: bye
Wolvi6: forever
Pavlo2: .
Pavlo2 is away at 6:05:56 PM.

So since that date, some time in January of 2006, Charles Appleby and I have been real life friends (some might even say relatives, due to my alias of Charlene Appleby) but internet strangers. He de-friended me on myspace, and removed my viewing privilege of his flickr account. He also blocked me from gmail chat.

I began to consider requesting his friendship on myspace about a week ago. He claims that this is all it will take to renew our e-friendship. Since I'm also kicking off this new blog and will want to get as many fun comments as possible, I have more motivation. Also, once Charles posts his last blog to say farewell to myspace, I'm only going to use it to look at pictures of old highschool classmates getting fatter in their default pictures. So tonight, about 5 minutes after I post this blog, I'm going to request Charles to be my myspace friend again. That is the grand kickoff for my blog. The next episode will surely be about my new les friend, JENNSTARR.