Skool is cool

I was reading my gmail and the blurb at the top was about a man winning a big bet on a horse race and becoming a millionaire. It reminded me of a story I saw a day or two about a guy in Georgia who won the lottery by playing his grandchildren's birth dates. I just started wondering, why does the media drum these rags to riches stories into our heads? The people who win the lottery are of course expecting their 15 minutes of fame. How else would all their long-lost relatives find out they won money and try to cash in? These stories just make us greedy for money we haven't earned.

The lottery itself seems like such an American concept that I was surprised when I read that it hadn't actually started here. Many European/Asian/South American countries have lotteries also. The lottery theory, in my own words, is, "I'm going to throw my small money away on a regular basis for the one in 14 million chance of winning big money, in the meantime, I'm not going to go to school, look for a good job, or save for retirement, because eventually, I will win". I think this is the mindset of most lottery players, the others are just playing because it's a work social activity, or they are on vacation in Vegas. So I think it's an inherently American past-time. Not working, being lazy, and relying on magic/God to save them from their inevitable demise.

I blame the lottery (and professional sports) for people thinking they are entitled to something for nothing. If you want to be rich some day, or at least well off, you have to work hard. You either have to go to school and learn a valuable trade, or do something entrepreneurial, like opening your own business and busting your ass at it. Yes, there are people who win the lottery. Yes, there are poor kids who are awesome at basketball who now live in billion dollar houses. What are the chances that you fall into one of those groups? Slim to fucking none, so stay in school, cunt.

It's fucking psycho week!

Wow, so I thought I had reached my limit of psycho stalker fun for a good while, but I was wrong. Today I logged on to my myspace to find a message from my ex-ex-boyfriend, yes, the one I broke up with approximately 6 years ago. Luckily, I changed my picture after stalker #1 messaged me the other day, so he wasn't sure it was me (my screen name is Squeezy).

Here's the message:
-----------
Hey there,

Im not sure if this is who I think it is. Im taking a wild guess from the Akron location and hoping its (Cunt First Name, Cunt Last Name). If it is not sorry to bug you, if it is (Cunt First Name) you know who this is and if you want to, get back to me. Id love to see how you are doing. If you dont want to well I guess dont respond or respond and say you dont want to be in contact.


Sorry this message is so rambling, Ill explain later if you want.

Hope I have the right person and hope to hear from you

Take care

(Douche ex bf First Name)
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Seriously? About a year and a half ago, he sent me multiple text messages and left many voicemails, telling me how sick he was, he was in the hospital, and didn't know what was going to happen. I texted a mutual friend to make sure it wasn't a complete lie, and it was true, he had been in the hospital for quite some time. So, for all I knew, he might die. I still did not call him. Why? Because he is a complete leech on society. He has never contributed anything useful to any person or place. All he wants is someone to fucking feel sorry for him. Apparently the rest of the people he knows aren't showing him enough pity and he's hoping I still care enough to baby him with phone calls and loving messages to show him I'm thinking about him. Fuck that.

The last time I saw him was Christmas of 2005. I should not have agreed to hang out with him, but I was feeling gay Christmas nostalgia and hanging out with high school people. He pulled out some pictures of some chick he was currently friends with (but not dating?) then talked about all "the old times". Like, before I was conscious of what it means to be a useful human being. You know who has an excuse for never accomplishing anything in life? Quadriplegics. The guy who wrote "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" could only blink one eye. And he wrote a book! He had a great excuse to never do anything again, and he still did something. My ex-ex-bf has no excuse whatsoever. He's just a lazy sack of shit. He's started at least 3 different school programs and dropped out of all of them, and has never held even a part time job for more than a few weeks, as far as I know. That's 28 years of absolutely nothing.

"I'll explain later" means, "There's a reason that you should feel sorry for me, please let me tell you why." No thanks. If I felt like being lied to I'd watch Fox news. To reminisce over my ex-bf's drama-queen antics, please visit: clink.

I could go on for hours, but my blood pressure is already elevated. I am soooo glad I am past the point in my life where I purposely interact with psycho men. Not too far past it, but past it nonetheless.

Worst songs of 2007

MIMS- "This Is Why I'm Hot" They love the way the charm hanging from the neck
And compliments the arm which compliments the ear den comes the gear

The thigh bone's connected to the hip bone.

Akon and Snoop Dogg- "I Wanna Fuck You" ...Cause I'm far from a scrub, you know my pedigree, ex-dealer used to move phetamines.

That's some pedigree. I know I'm always looking for a guy who knows how to move some serious product. We would have some beautiful babies.

Shop Boyz- "Party Like a Rockstar"
1. T-T-T-Totally dude Is this like LL Cool J's "Z-Z-Z-Z-Z"?
2. I uwa like I uwa That's just redundant. Also, what is uwa?

Hinder- "Lips of an Angel" This song is the epitome of everything I hate in pop music. One crap ass predictable lyric after another. Sounds exactly like every other rock song about love I've ever heard. Angels don't exist, so their lips don't exist, so this song doesn't exist. I wish.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Barf

Here's another quality selection from last year's top hits list. It's by Kelly Clarkson.

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

Guess what it's called? No, not "Unbearable Kelly Clarkson song number 7". It's called "Never Again". Who would have guessed?


Good Charlotte- "Dance Floor Anthem"

We break up it’s something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It’s okay
Let it go
Get out there and find someone
...

Everybody
Put up your hands Say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feel the beat now
If you’ve got nothing left say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Back it up now
You’ve got a reason to live say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”
Feeling good now
Don’t be afraid to get down say:
”I don’t wanna be in love, I don’t wanna be in love”

So if you break up, the best way to find someone new is to get out on the dance floor and scream about how you don't want to be in love. Then Nicole Ritchie will become impregnated with your sperm. The end.

Nicole Sherzinger- "Whatever You Like"

So far in this list it hasn't been so important to actually listen to the songs, but if you haven't heard this one, I want you to download it right now. Thank God you'll be able to delete it immediately afterwards. It's one of the worst songs I've ever heard. And then it keeps going for like 5 more minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen
I know what you want
She's hot as a stove
Her name is Nicole

I'll do whatever you like
I'll do whatever you like
I can do, I can do
I do, I do whatever you like

Yes, that's the gist of the entire song. News flash: Stove does not rhyme with Nicole. She must have paid T.I. a lot of money to participate in this shit-fest. The straightforward slut lyrics get to me too. What's her next song going to be? "Put Your Penis in My Vagina" I guess. Sol just wants to pee in her butt. Hey, she does whatever you like.

Carrie Underwood- "Before He Cheats" This song does have its redeeming qualities, but there are a couple parts I laugh at. She refers to her bf's new girl as a bleach blonde tramp. Then she says
“Right now, she’s probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke”. Is she singing about the next time he cheats, or what his ex thought when he cheated with Carrie Underwood?

Jonas Brothers- SOS
Next time I see you
I'm giving you a high five
cause hugs are overrated, just FYI

Hugs are overrated? YOU'RE overrated. And you're a douche.

Fall Out Boy- "Thanks For the Memories"
He tastes like you only sweeter

It was much cooler when Julia Roberts said it, and she also said “He tastes like you but sweeter”. If you want to quote it so badly, then quote it correctly.

2007's worst song of the year award goes to:

Colbie Caillet- "Bubbly"
I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

Is "a silly place" code for your clitoris? The only physical attributes you can describe as bubbly are burns or blisters. If his face is bubbly, it should only give you shivers up your spine, not tingles in your lady-parts. The thing I hate most about her is the tone of all her music. It’s like she’s on a permanent good one that the rest of us will just never know. It’s called weed, and I can tell she smokes a lot of it. Just because all songwriters are drug addicts doesn't mean that all drug addicts can be songwriters. I hope something terrible happens to her so she can write something depressing. It'll still be shitty, but at least it will be realistic.

You should kill yourself

I got this message on myspace today from this jerkoff who I used to work with. He's just one of those people that I never think of except for when he wants to stick his little ugly head into my internet world. When I was living in Chicago he had his Dad call me one night, I wrote about that in my old blog. He has the distinction of being one of the first assholes to ever cause me to change my phone number. Not that he was the last.

He writes:

Hey Cunt [just using a fun pseudonym],
I haven't talked to you in a long time so I just wanted to write and say hi. I hope all is well with you. I watch jeopardy every once in a while hoping to catch you on there. I know how much you always wanted to get on that show. I'm sure you would have given that Ken Jennings guy a run for his money.
I just started a new job. I'm a respiratory therapist at a hospital in cincinnati. I signed up for a 1 year commitment there. As soon as that is over I am heading for Florida. There are plenty of old people with respiratory problems. That is called job security. Anyways, I just wanted to say hi. I was driving to books and company the other day. I passed by wonderly dr. and it made me think of you. I really miss you. I hope you are doing great. I thank you for all the great memories I have of you. Write me sometime. I would love to hear from you. If not I hope you know that I will always cherish the friendship I had with you. You are truly a memorable person in my life. Take care Cunt.
[Signed complete asshole toolbag]

First of all, I don't give a shit what this guy is doing now. I think this was a fun way of him trying to vindicate himself like, "Oh, I no longer manage a fast food restaurant, btw, I am super successful and cool." Which is impossible. He could be CEO of a Fortune 500 and still be a complete loser. Then he tries to make jokes to make me remember how funny he is. He is funny. That doesn't mean he has any other redeeming qualities. Funniness does not negate loser status. Also my dad lives on Wonderly Ave. If you knew how to use the internet you could have looked that up. It only increases my suspicions of you being a psycho stalker, driving by my old house like my ex-bf used to do. How do you even remember where I lived? Seriously? If you live in Cincinnati, why the fuck would you be driving through Oakwood anyway?

As for all those "memories" you have of me, I'm sure you conveniently wiped away the negative ones. You know, where you held my hands behind my back, wouldn't let me out of the office, called me a bitch, hung up the phone when I tried to call the cops, chased me to my car, wouldn't let me close the door to my car so that I had to almost run you over (wish I had) and then called me about 50 times, leaving me endless voicemails about how sorry you were. I should have pressed charges against you and I should have sued Gary for knowing you were a violent crazy lunatic and not firing you. It's one of the only regrets I have in life, and that's really saying something.

Please kill yourself.

Queasy

I was almost done with internetting for tonight, and then I saw one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen. I unwittingly opened a myspace bulletin to see a video of a raccoon being skinned alive. After a quick search I found the video posted on PETA's site. I fucking hate PETA but I also hate animal torture, so I guess it's a toss up.

At first I thought it was just a video of a raccoon being beaten to death which I actually don't have a big problem with since a lot of people consider them to be pesky animals and probably poison them like rats anyway. At least a quick blow or two to the head is a less painful death. Actually it was just beaten slightly, then hung upside down and skinned while still struggling the entire time. There can't be any point to that. It has to be harder to skin an animal while it's struggling then to kill it and deal with a dead body. It's probably just some slimy PETA scare tactic. They most likely paid some farmer 20 dollars to do it so they could show it to Americans to horrify them. It makes no sense for that guy to not kill the animal before skinning it, therefore I don't believe it.

I wouldn't recommend watching it, at least not if you plan on eating in the next hour or two, but it's linked from PETA's site if you want to see it. "Inside Chinese Fur Farms". It made me feel a lot more nauseous than two girls and one cup.

Ok now I'm done internetting.

sNO storm

I was promised a winter weather advisory-worthy snowstorm. Having it snow tomorrow during the day does me no good. I need it to snow a lot now so that Honda will close.

I'm on page 718 of Atlas Shrugged now. I thought the story would get better but it really hasn't. There have just been more male characters introduced for the main character (Dagny) to want to bang. For purely majestic reasons. None of them having to do with orgasms. That's probably the hardest part of the book to understand. Other than the fact that airplanes exist but people continue to travel across the country on trains and consider it time-efficient. Don't even get me started. I have so many other books that I know will be better than this one, just waiting for me to read them. I resent Ayn Rand for writing such a long book. She inspired me to read more short stories.

I think I might get a job grading standardized test essays. I think it's the kind of thing I might like, since it involves getting paid for finding fault in others. I'm good at finding fault in myself too, but no one's going to pay me for that.

Feminism

Do you ever meet someone, specifically a man, whom you just want to punch in the face? I don't mean because they actually did anything wrong, but just because you find them to be a despicable human being?

Example one: This cholo sitting at our bar tonight. Apparently his name is "Brian" which is so original I can't take it. I hope no one named Brian is reading this. I'm talking to him and his friend because I'm ridiculously bored. There is also a kind of sleazy older guy sitting in the seat next to them. This "Brian" asshole is talking to me about being a philosophy major and how I use that every day unlike something like trigonometry. Which is such a bullshit way to look at it because trigonometry could actually help you answer something or make money, whereas philosophy will only make you want to kill yourself. He then proceeded to tell me that he "hates girls like that" when I told him how I'm never single, I always move from one serious relationship to the next (no comments). Then sleazy old guy walks by me and tells me I have a cute little butt and "Brian" says "I don't know that guy." so as to distance himself from the remark. Which pissed me off because rather than being honest like sleazeball and admitting that he is just a walking penis, he was trying to run some kind of stupid game on me and lead me to believe he has some kind of redeeming qualities and "hates girls like me". I'd rather talk to old balls who probably has some common sense than leather jacket wearing douche bags who probably still live at home. I really wanted to punch him in the face.

Example two: Dude on the train from Portland to the airport. Everything this guy did made me want to gag, wash my hands, or kick him in the balls. He got on the train and sat directly across from me, which I hate. I want to be able to stare blankly into space, not be forced to turn my head to stare blankly out the window. Then he clears his throat in the sinus-draining, bringing phlegm into the back of your throat to hack it up, kind of way. ::Shudder:: Then a girl got on the train and sat next to him, I don't know why she would sit there. He takes a drink out of his coke can and starts making this tasty noise, smacking his lips. It was almost pornographic considering the context. The girl pulled out a book, probably to try to forget about the creepo, and then got off at the next stop. He continues clearing his throat and being gross, then he sits his coke can down on the seat next to him. A stop later, the can falls over, and he looks at it, and ignores it. I knew that little asshole was just going to leave his can on the train, and he did. I wanted to call him out and ask him if he forgot his can but I didn't, because I didn't want to get hit by some psycho stranger. And you think I'm bad for not recycling. At least I can put garbage in its proper receptacles. I guarantee that guy also spits on the street, which is so unnecessary and revolting. It's called swallowing you fucking idiots. 99% of the population knows how to do it, why don't you? On top of that, you're spreading your lower-class diseases and tuberculosis all over the place.

Ugh. I think I might become les.

Chicken Eucharist

This is probably the most pseudo-intellectual work I've ever put into a blog. It's a theory I've had for years, but never got around to fully developing, internet style. The theory rests on the assumption that black people love fried chicken. I take this to be an obvious statement. The other statement that I assume to be true is that white people like to make black people do what they want.

I noticed quite a few years ago, that many fried chicken places had religious sounding names. I could never account for Lee's Famous Recipe, other than to maybe remind black people of the Confederate War and their former status as slaves. KFC is also apparently unaffiliated, as the Colonel was not a reverend as I thought, but just an honorary military dude and salesman. The others; however, are a little unnerving.

Take for example, Chick-Fil-A. The name appears to be fairly kitschy but unoffensive. I prefer to pronounce the A as an "Ahh" sound, but that's a separate issue. Their spelling is atrocious, which is probably an attempt to reach out to the less educated groups who grew up with Play-Skool toys and now want to eat Chikn. Getting to the religious end, did you know that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays? The owner is a devout baptist who teaches Sunday school and encourages his employees to attend church. So...what are black people going to do when they go to the local Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday and they can't get any chicken? Go to church, of course, what else can you do if there's no chicken?

Church's chicken is another prime example. According to wikipedia, the founder of the chain had the last name Church, but I find that to be preposterous. This guy agrees with me, and who knows, maybe he is more reliable than wikipedia. He seems to think he is. Church's is now actually a part of the same parent company that owns Popeye's.

Don't even get me started on Popeye's. First of all, I love that place. It's the best chicken coon by ya eatery (or whatever), if you take all matters into consideration. Apparently there is one only 7 miles from my house. I thought for sure the closest one would be on Cleveland Avenue. I may just go there tomorrow. They have the most incredible mashed potatoes with little bits of delicious artery-clogging goodness in the Cajun gravy. They also have some spicy honey mustard which has a delightfully Katrina-ish name like Mardi Gras mustard or something like that.

Anyway, please just look at the name Popeye's. The way it's written in their logo makes it even a little more obvious what they are getting at. Pope Yes. Say yes to the pope. Honor him and kiss his ring by eating our chicken. They claim to have named the restaurant after a character in a movie, not even after the cartoon character. Then later on they used the cartoon sailor in their advertisements. Now they're back to pretending they don't have no affiliations with nobody. Whatever. Just keep eating chicken and praising Jesus/cheese sauce and no one will start a lynch mob, Tiger Woods.

There's even a rumors on the internet that the KKK owns Church's chicken and puts in ingredients to cause sterility in black men. Although there is no proof to this, I would say their plan failed. Just ask Fantasia. B A B Y M A M A.

Eating chicken= taking part in the Eucharist, as far as some of these places are concerned. The body of Christ contains zero calories though, so eat up!

I think we should get Popeye's to sponsor our black movie, so I can have an excuse to eat Popeye's every day while the movie is made.