A long time

I haven't been writing because I haven't had time where I felt I could procrastinate for a while. Also I was probably scared of what I might say.

Sometimes you hit a day in the year where you feel the rest of the year can be different. I feel like that today. It's sunny and beautiful. Our journal banquet is tonight, and it becomes more official that this year's board is done (though they still have a crapload of work to do) and our board has taken over. I decided I want to run a few 5ks so I'm motivated to really start running again, and I can because I have great medication to prevent my migraines. That in itself is pretty much a miracle. I thought I was destined to suffer terrible migraines for the rest of my life, and being without them has been incredible.

I hit a low on Thursday where I got into a bad mood, couldn't get out of it, and drank way too much because of it. Then I missed class Friday and foolishly got a parking ticket on top of it. After a low, I often learn a lesson though. I can't let other people effect how I feel about myself.

When I started law school, all I wanted was to get good grades and make money. Now that I'm the editor in chief of my journal, I've made a moot court team, and I've made a lot of good connections with other students, I feel like I've accomplished things that I never even really planned on. Yet I find that these things make me feel better than just getting A's or thinking of money. I want a job for the summer because I want to prove I can do everything at once. I want to put what I've learned to a productive use and show myself I can apply what I've learned to real situations.

As crazy as it sounds, becoming friends with people who are more like me and who understand me had made me feel so much better. I used to think I was above needing people. To some extent I still think that, but having someone that you can talk to about anything is really important. I was going without that for a few months and it was bad. I have a knack for fucking up friendships though, so I'm going to work hard to not let them get destroyed.

I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day for a few minutes, then finish my final Advanced Legal Writing project, and look forward to working out tonight.

Antsy

I have almost 3 hours right now and no work that I absolutely have to finish by tomorrow. This is the first time I've been in this situation in at least two weeks. I feel super antsy; it's making me want a cigarette.

It feels like I will have a bad night. Sometimes I feel weird when I hang out with a bunch of people but the rest of my friends aren't there. It's like I want to spend all my time with everyone. It's very unusual because usually I like to be alone. That's probably why I've been freaking out if I don't hear music for a couple of hours also. I can't be left alone without anything to do, I would freak out like a prisoner in solitary.

Maybe I'll spend some money on clothes, that always makes me feel better.

A River

could not run through Columbus right now, because it is really cold. We had a lot of snow today, and usually I get grumpy at bad weather but I was really into it. I went out and walked in it a lot. I had my hi-tops on, and they are the best snow shoes. The snow was falling so heavily that snow was going in my eyes when I walked and in my nose when I breathed. I even inhaled a snowflake down my throat, which felt crazy. Passing by Mirror Lake on the way to RPAC was so calming. The snow was glittering, the white lights are still on the trees, and students were playing ice hockey on the frozen pond. When everything is covered in white snow, there is little to distract your eye and everything looks simpler. The whole world appears more as it truly is.

Last night my friend David told me that I was melancholy. When he heard the music I've been listening to, he said it was no wonder I felt that way. It's not only that though. I just re-read A River Runs Through It. I've really been remiss in not telling everyone I know to read it. I cried for the last 3 pages. I've read it before and seen the movie at least 20 times so it's not like I didn't know what was going to happen. That story is not a novella, it's long-form poetry. Seriously. If I ever wrote anything that approximated that story, I could die happily.