Worst lyrics of 2008

It's time for my annual worst lyrics blog. Brace yourselves, it's been a shit-tastic year.

10)Katy Perry: "I Kissed a Girl"

This really isn't about lyrics so much as that this song was already done in 1995. (Jill Sobule, I Kissed a Girl) It's not so hot and daring to kiss a girl and admit it in a song when someone did it 13 years ago. It says something about what's common in our culture these days, but I don't know if it's good or bad. It's just a "trendy to be bi" song, which is lame. There's also a ton of men who probably love the song but would guard their assholes if a guy sung about kissing a guy. Anyway I think it would be a great song for a gay man to karaoke.

9) An analysis of Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" and The Jonas Brothers' "Burning Up"
[Katy Perry gets my Fergalicious award for 2008. She appears to lack talent in the singing and writing departments, yet somehow still achieves fame and fortune. Congrats!]

Hot N Cold:
"You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now you're plain boring"

Burning Up:
"I'm hot
You're cold
You go around
Like you know
Who I am
But you don't
You've got me on my toes"

I don't think either of these songs deserves an entire entry to itself, they're kind of like Intervention subjects who weren't molested as children and get lumped into the same episode. They both center on the exact same subject and use the same metaphor. There's a person who's hot or cold and confuses the singer. The Jonas Brothers' subject however, has them on their toes, while Katy Perry's subject is "plain boring". I would describe the appeal of these artists similarly. I find the Jonas Brothers intriguing, while Katy Perry makes me want to take a nap. Up and down, in and out, you do the hokey pokey and you write something that's been written before. That's what it's all about.

8)Usher feat. Young Jeezy: "Love in this Club"
From the Jeezy part:
"It's going down on aisle 3, I'll bag you like some groceries.
And every time you think about it, you're gonna want some more of me.
About to hit the club make a movie yeah rated R."

This reminds me of another great grocery rap lyric: Nelly's E.I.:
"If you compare me to your local grocery
Then you'll see I got more carrots/karats than "Aisle D"
More bread than "Aisle G", then bag and scan me."

Actually that lyric is way better than this one. Jeezy really needs to step up his game and write something fresher than was already said in 2000.

Nothing is hotter than a song that makes you think about your grocery shopping. God this song is so good I just can't stop dancing... oh shit, I really have a lot of errands to run tomorrow. What a fun-killer Young Jeezy is. And rated R? Is the movie you shoot at the club going to involve some frontal nudity and simulated sex? BORING. This is 2008, if people aren't fucking, no one wants to watch.

7)Pink: "So What"
"So, so what
I'm still a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't need you,
And guess what,
I'm having more fun,
And now that we're done,
I'm gonna show you tonight"

I don't need you, I'm so over you, so I'm going to write a song about you and make it my single so that I can prove to you how little I need you or think about you. OH wait, this song proves that I think about you constantly and need to use you to sell records. I'm having more fun... that's so pathetic. You don't tell a guy how over him you are, you just go fuck someone else and let the word get back to him. She obviously missed the memo that happiness is the best revenge.

6)Madonna: "4 minutes"
"[Madonna:]
Come on boy I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll

[Justin:]
Now don't waste time, give me desire, tell me how you wanna roll

[Madonna:]
I want somebody to speed it up for me then take it down slow
There's enough room for both"

Um, no, there's not enough room for both (unless you mean room in your vagina). There's only 4 minutes, didn't you hear the lyrics? Oh, you are so old you are probably losing your hearing. Having someone under 3o sing with you is not going to make people think you're younger. You just look wrinkly and emaciated in comparison. How does one "pick up a stroll"? Newsflash: you are both white. This song also makes me want to vomit because they think that dancing and singing are somehow going to save the world. Get over yourselves! Tick tock, tick tock, you only have 4 minutes to save your fading career and they're over. You blew it.

5)The Killers: "Human"
"Are we human
or are we dancer?"

This song makes the list purely for it's bad grammar. I realize you are all British, but that should make you more capable of using the English language, not less so. We=plural Dancer=singular. Please fix.

3)Flo-Rida "Low"
"So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster"

For one, clover isn't lucky unless it is has 4 leaves. Otherwise, it is just a weed, something you were probably smoking too much of when you wrote this song. The main suck factor here is that he's folding his porn poster. Why? Sometimes I just wish artists (I use that term loosely) would read their lyrics and ask, "Does this make sense?". Why is he folding the poster...is this like a centerfold? How about "Sorry but I had to dick her, she was hot like a centerfold picture." Can I have my 50 million now?

2)The Wombats: "Kill the Director"
"This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget This is no Bridget Jones This is no Bridget Bridget Jones"

Fuck the director, kill the person who wrote this song. You can tell this song sucks by looking at it, but trust me, it's even more painful to listen to. I could seriously fart a better lyric. If you're repeating something 13 times, you need to rethink how important that lyric is. Apparently this song was released in 2007, and I try to stick to songs released this year, but this song screams CRAP. If I had heard it last year, it definitely would have made the list, so I include it for your un-enjoyment.

2)Brandy: "Right Here (departed)"
This has to be one of the most repetitive and unoriginal songs I've heard in a long time. Not quite as repetitive as "Bridget Bridget", but still bad. I read some reviews of this album and song on Amazon. People are eating this stupid song up! "It's so inspirational". Did you listen to the lyrics?

"Oh when you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,
And when your tears are dry from crying,
And when the worlds turned silent,
So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,
Oh oh [Repeat x10]

I will be right here with you
you'll be right here with me
[Repeat]"

It doesn't even make sense! When the clouds have departed you need someone there with you? Isn't that the opposite of what you would think? When your tears are dry, she'll be there? What about when you were actually crying, where was that cunt then? Probably dancing and singing this crappy song on BET's NYE party or something. I guess maybe it's about dying and seeing each other in heaven, but I don't care enough to try to hypothesize how a lyric might make sense and not be shitty. It is what it is, a suck song disguised as a Top 40 hit. Brandy, I know you are jealous that your brother is now making more money than you. Too bad no one will remember him in 5 years. You used to have actual talent! Remember "Almost Doesn't Count"? Rehire whoever used to write your songs.

1)Danity Kane: "Damaged"
"Do Do you got a first aid kit handy?"

Do do you have any shame in singing such a laughable lyric? The answer is no. I get the concept, your heart is broken, and you need the man who hurt you to use the first aid kit to fix your heart. It's just that your group tries to be so thuggish and sexy while singing the stupidest shit. If you're trying to be serious, be serious. Your group lacks writing talent. No first aid kit is going to fix that, but maybe better management could. On top of all that, if there was something wrong with your heart, what in that first aid kit would fix it? The ace bandage or the alcohol swab? This song wins number one because I am embarrassed for the girls in this group when I hear the song. I don't just LOL, I actually laugh out loud. Thanks to Mike for reminding me of this terrible song which I nearly forgot to include.