A long time

I haven't been writing because I haven't had time where I felt I could procrastinate for a while. Also I was probably scared of what I might say.

Sometimes you hit a day in the year where you feel the rest of the year can be different. I feel like that today. It's sunny and beautiful. Our journal banquet is tonight, and it becomes more official that this year's board is done (though they still have a crapload of work to do) and our board has taken over. I decided I want to run a few 5ks so I'm motivated to really start running again, and I can because I have great medication to prevent my migraines. That in itself is pretty much a miracle. I thought I was destined to suffer terrible migraines for the rest of my life, and being without them has been incredible.

I hit a low on Thursday where I got into a bad mood, couldn't get out of it, and drank way too much because of it. Then I missed class Friday and foolishly got a parking ticket on top of it. After a low, I often learn a lesson though. I can't let other people effect how I feel about myself.

When I started law school, all I wanted was to get good grades and make money. Now that I'm the editor in chief of my journal, I've made a moot court team, and I've made a lot of good connections with other students, I feel like I've accomplished things that I never even really planned on. Yet I find that these things make me feel better than just getting A's or thinking of money. I want a job for the summer because I want to prove I can do everything at once. I want to put what I've learned to a productive use and show myself I can apply what I've learned to real situations.

As crazy as it sounds, becoming friends with people who are more like me and who understand me had made me feel so much better. I used to think I was above needing people. To some extent I still think that, but having someone that you can talk to about anything is really important. I was going without that for a few months and it was bad. I have a knack for fucking up friendships though, so I'm going to work hard to not let them get destroyed.

I'm going to enjoy this beautiful day for a few minutes, then finish my final Advanced Legal Writing project, and look forward to working out tonight.

Antsy

I have almost 3 hours right now and no work that I absolutely have to finish by tomorrow. This is the first time I've been in this situation in at least two weeks. I feel super antsy; it's making me want a cigarette.

It feels like I will have a bad night. Sometimes I feel weird when I hang out with a bunch of people but the rest of my friends aren't there. It's like I want to spend all my time with everyone. It's very unusual because usually I like to be alone. That's probably why I've been freaking out if I don't hear music for a couple of hours also. I can't be left alone without anything to do, I would freak out like a prisoner in solitary.

Maybe I'll spend some money on clothes, that always makes me feel better.

A River

could not run through Columbus right now, because it is really cold. We had a lot of snow today, and usually I get grumpy at bad weather but I was really into it. I went out and walked in it a lot. I had my hi-tops on, and they are the best snow shoes. The snow was falling so heavily that snow was going in my eyes when I walked and in my nose when I breathed. I even inhaled a snowflake down my throat, which felt crazy. Passing by Mirror Lake on the way to RPAC was so calming. The snow was glittering, the white lights are still on the trees, and students were playing ice hockey on the frozen pond. When everything is covered in white snow, there is little to distract your eye and everything looks simpler. The whole world appears more as it truly is.

Last night my friend David told me that I was melancholy. When he heard the music I've been listening to, he said it was no wonder I felt that way. It's not only that though. I just re-read A River Runs Through It. I've really been remiss in not telling everyone I know to read it. I cried for the last 3 pages. I've read it before and seen the movie at least 20 times so it's not like I didn't know what was going to happen. That story is not a novella, it's long-form poetry. Seriously. If I ever wrote anything that approximated that story, I could die happily.

Bottle blond

I have decided to finally take the plunge and go back to high-maintenance blond hair. I'm not going to go quite as blond as I used to be. I want to have really dark blond hair, more like light brown with gold in it. It will be nice because it won't be that different from my normal hair color. I haven't seen my normal hair color since 2003 so I don't even really know what it is anymore.

Black hair is nice, but I'm so pale that the black hair makes me look even paler. I'm probably going to regret it the next time I see a picture of me and a bunch of Asians, but whatever. I've been working on accepting adulthood, and part of adulthood is letting other people do your hair and tell you what looks good. Mike's mom and sisters were talking about me while I wasn't there during Christmas, and apparently they like me with blond hair?! My grandparents also told me that I look more Asian than American, and I told them that was the point and that I was trying to assimilate into Asian culture.

This is probably going to cost a lot of money, as they'll have to take the black color out, slightly bleach, and then add in the color I want. It's going to take forever too. I'm going to bring my first day assignments with me so I can do something productive rather than read fashion magazines.

I have spent the majority of the past two days sitting around daydreaming. And I don't mean I've just been unproductive, I've been actually daydreaming. I have so much work to do, I don't know why I'm so retarded. My note first draft is going to be a piece of shit. But I have listened to 60 or 70 songs off of "Best of 2009" album lists. WTF. I'm sorry, but Animal Collective has never written a song I could listen to. It's fucking boring! I've really tried. So many papers and websites have put their album in the top lists, but every time I start listening to a song, I can't even force myself to complete it. God, it's dull. What is wrong with hipsters? I have seen quite a few mentions of Kid Cudi's album and White Rabbits' album too, so at least something good made it in.

I know music is a matter of taste and opinion. Tons of people like their steak medium-rare, but if I take a bite of anything less than medium-well I want to gag. Maybe Animal Collective is just the medium-rare steak of the music world. Critics would smugly look down upon a steak cooked more than medium-rare, and would savor their Animal Collective album. I listen to it and it makes me question the taste of most Americans. "Most" Americans are also obese pigs who can't tell the difference between steak and hamburger though, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Writing

I read a book at Barnes and Noble today about habits of successful writers. I decided to actually start writing. I'm working on character descriptions and plot points now, and I'm just going to brainstorm plot and dialogue for a while. Even just while writing the character descriptions, I began to get flashes of ideas for the plot, so at least it's starting out well.

I don't want this book to be too autobiographical, but I'm afraid that it will be. I'm also afraid that when I let other people read it, they'll assume it's all true and I'll ruin my life. My primary concern is that I only want to work on this now to procrastinate working on my note. I know that's true, but I can't regret the fact that I'm finally writing. Writing something long-form is one of my life goals, so once I finish it, it's one more thing I can check off. Getting my J.D. is on the list too though, and I hope to actually have a career as a result, so I should probably prioritize correctly.

Tomorrow I'm just going to bake a lot of cookies and try to stay away from the shopping frenzy. Nothing brings out the worst in people like holiday shopping. I hate Christmas so much. I'm so happy it's almost here because then the worst time of the year will be over. Also, new year's eve will be coming, and that is one of my favorite holidays. It's pagan, you get to do awesome things like bang pots and pans, sweep your doorstep and shout at your neighbors, you get random group texts from your fake friends and people who have your cell phone number but think you are someone else, it's one more excuse to dress like a slut and make out with random guys, you get to eat guacamole, drink champagne, play compatibility and the jesus game, you wait in anticipation for Dick Clark to drop dead at midnight, the list can go on forever. What does Christmas have? Presents you don't like that people are forced to buy you out of obligation and a stupid baby in a manger. New Years is so much better! Fuck Christmas.

Snow

First real snow. I wish it had happened earlier, or later. Good thing it's happening on a Friday night so people can freak out only slightly tomorrow instead of sliding into each other on their way to work. I downloaded a lot of cold music today. Songs that remind me of when I was 18 and lived with my mom during the last winter of high school. Songs that I listened to while walking in the snow, sharing cigarettes and headphones with the boy I had an incredibly repressed crush on. I think being really cold makes raw emotions come out...I touched on this last year when I hypothesized that frostbite could be a form of self-harm. When I'm feeling particularly fucked up in the winter I like to walk barefoot in the snow. It usually involves tequila though, which is cheating.

I went to a get together tonight that was 80% law students, and although they are my friends, it annoys me that they talk about law school the entire time they are together. I think we managed to talk about Harry Potter and Twilight for about 20 minutes. The rest was law school. Which was unfortunate for the 4 boyfriends of law students who could not care less what we were talking about. But I warned my boyfriend it would be like this and gave him the option of not going, so he only has himself to blame I guess. Pretty sure I was the only person there who is not on main journal, which means it was truly the biggest dorks of them all (which I say lovingly of course). Part of the reason I wanted to be on JDR was that I thought it would be slightly easier to become editor in chief. I overlooked the fact that most of my friends are super-nerds. Oh well.

As pathetic as I know this sounds, part of the reason I am mad it's snowing is that I wanted to go to school tomorrow and I don't want to have to drive in this crap. I hope it gets plowed up so I don't have an excuse. I'm having separation anxiety from school. It's been 4 whole days since I have done work inside the building, and I really feel unproductive and am regretting not doing much the past few days. I did manage to spend 185 dollars on shirts from j crew today and 200 dollars on books for next semester, so I did my part to improve the economy.

Trying to go to bed before 5, which means I have to start reading now to lull myself to sleep.

Short North Tavern

I had never been to this place before, but now it's become something magical. I might not be able to go back, in fear that it can never be as great as it was the first time. And that's despite the fact that this jealous cunt kept knocking my coat on the ground. Actually that's part of what made it magical. It's hard to match the feeling of fucking around with a random person's emotions just to see what happens. Fake flirting is a favorite past time of mine, particularly when the object of the illusion is such a piece of shit. Also, you can't beat two guys telling you how hot you are all night, even if you know it's for show.

The hangover I had today was very slight in comparison to the amount of fun I had. It almost made me believe I could start going out more often. I know that's not true though, I just got lucky. Normally I would have been completely out of commission today. With exams over, I just wanted to go out and be happy. I'm extremely lucky to have met people who I can have fun with, because at this time last year I would never have predicted that.

It's like 4am though. I need to get back on a more normal sleep cycle. I'm such a night person. I love being awake when everyone else is sleeping. It's peaceful, and I like how alone I am. Even on facebook, no one posts at 4am.

This year is almost over. Usually I am sad to see years end, at least when they've been ok. This year was ok, but I'm not trying to hang onto it. I think I'm rushing to finish school, even though the end of school means the beginning of honest to goodness adulthood. I've been putting it off for so long. If I had been born a hundred years earlier I would have been married at 18 and had a 9 year old kid by this age. Living back then would have sucked. I love delaying the responsibility of a real job. Add to that the fact that it's winter and I always want winter to go as quickly as it can. Romantic snowflakes are the only good thing about winter, and even those turn into disgusting 5 foot high piles of dirty ass snow in a parking lot pretty soon. Let's get this year over with, because I am ready for the spring thaw.